Nobless in Germany 2005

Germany - 2005

Well I was excited as it has been sometime since I had been back in DE,
The DBA on tour in Europe, first I needed to get the plans straighened out with the boss, and a partner in crime to enjoy the Euro Binge drinking tour, and we we not dissapointed!

So Julian a Senior Systems Engineer took up the challenge, as he is a Yorkshireman too there was to be no quarms about the drinking aspects, and it was soon agreed that we would try everything that Germany has to offer no matteer how strong or large, as we were on the Plane after sinking a couple of Gallon in the airport we discussed the mighty stein and the different beer research we had done prior on the web.

So we touched down and got a lift to the Hayatt hotel in Maintz, not bad this was a fucking palace compared to some of the shitholes I have stayed in, however being tight Northerners we soon found out this place loved to take your money….

After a quick shower and a shit we were off out, we had an invite from the HOFF! (Hoffmeister) One of the German Senior Developers… who said that he new a trendy upbeat place to quench our thirst… however he was in for a surprise.. what ensued was 4 hours of prescision german binge drinking, the main point I remember was that the waitress for our table refilled my stein when I got down to the last gob full, this was brilliant, however the HOFF did not touch a drop he just looked tired and wanted to go home….

Julian and I went back to the hotel about 3am somewhat dry we carried on the binge for another hour or so….

Next day we went into the office and just giggled and took the piss all day whilst nursing hangovers, but we were just getting settled.. the day soon came and went, we were then out on the lash again in Maintz 2am we were stinking again but this time there was a few communication issues, we had gotten the HANKA (business objects guru!) out too and he was with us in the thick of it and for an American I was impressed with his pint to piss ratio he had supped 2 before busting the seal!...(not bad for the US)

we were in a random bar and some skinny little german mongoloid decided to start belming and screeching like a girl right next to me… he was wasted but the cleansing began, this CNUT was going to get briefed! I explained to him that he sounded like a girl and he was making my ears bleed! Eventually I bought him a pint of Cider in an attempt to flaw the little Twunt. However to my shock he refused to drink it and gave it to his mate… I was calling him a Fanny and trying to explain the term in English but he started swearing and banging on about Wayne Rooney was shite etc… eventually Julian sensed that he was getting in way over his head and that he was moments away from getting chinned! -

I then left him as his mates appologised and dragged him out of the pub, as I stood a the door watching him pissing up a restraunt wall outside I could not help but say to him “You drink like a girl go home and let your mum wipe your willy etc…” he wandered off belming down the road!

What fun but back to the hotel, the HANKA then went to bed but we stayed up and got removed from a prive function as we were hammered, eventually when they would not serve us any more ale we went to bed!

Early in the morning I entered Julians room where he was ironing, TV was on I saw two lezzers giving it to each other whilst one was being serviced from behind by a guy in a Gimp mask… we just burst out laughing again but time to go to work!

Friday night came soon and we were invited out to go bowling with the German IT folk, as not being much of a Ten Pin Man I decided to get totally wasted instead and fimly believed that it would enhance my performance and indeed it did!

There were a few randoms that we did not know and a young girl who found us amusing that we were wasted hurling bowling balls about, Julian and I were seeing who could throw it the fastest, I think in the end Julian won, but believe me it was not for the want of trying.

Eventually I was wasted and wanted to go to a club but some of the German collegues were not wanting to play, eventually I got my way and danced the night away with a load of pissed up randoms I did not know, Julian decided to ply me with vodka redbulls which kept me going for a few hours..

This german girl from one of the Geman assocciate companies we own, tagged along and not only could I not understand her I ended up leaving her somewhere outside the hotel, as I was too tired pissed and bothered to continue the binge and everywhere was shut, my Sidneys were kicking the shit out of me and I wanted my bed!

Saturday Julian and I went shopping in Maintz and for a laugh decided to go to a Porn shop, this was well spacked out but we laughed like fuck all the way round, looking at all this porn crap, one bloke was discussing some fith DVD with the woman who worked there... she was saying it was good, we laughed for ages about this!

I had to leave rather sharpishly as I was about to be sick…filthy fucking shop!
Went and got some wine about 3 euros for some proper australian red…in LIDL’s however this place stank like someone had pissed on all the merchandice. (Fucking Stank)… we carried on drinking that day till tea time, ready for the session that evening, for Julian was flying back to England next day… pissed as a fart when I left him? after we went to a micro-brewery and supped about 17 gallon between us in a contraption that was like a 10 gal plastic pipe brought to the table with a tap on it, 2 of these man we were wankered! however still manged to wreck the mini-bar later int hotel!

Germany is truly a wonderful place and is changing all the time, just little things I missed about UK, as in the supermarket in Maintz instead of giving you your change in your hand they throw it on the counter, and a woman in C&A would not give me a free plaggy bag, miserable cow!

Went for the wost curry I have ever tasted ever, I started to get paraniod when he brought out onion rings instead of bajis he said they were the same thing? I did the Peter Kay thing and kept repeatedly saying “Onion Rings” about 700 times, the curry tasted like it had been dripped through a tramps sock man it was embarrassing! - I later discovered this was not a piss take they actually have no fucking clue how to make curry?

Fucking rank…..

In short life is slower paced there, we would have surely died of liver failure had we been there longer but we survived...

Funny thing happened in the airport on the way home, still sausage side this stoopid like French wanker pushed in the queue for passport control and he was carrying on at his wife.

After listening to this for some time I turned to him and said "you are indeed a silly small french Nob ain't you?" he then started going on one at me... getting to the Passport desk as he did at his end by this time still staring at the French Faggot, the German passport officer said to me "Where are you going sir?" Still looking at French, I slapped my passport on the counter and said loudly staring at French "GOD's COUNTRY!", "where is that he asked?" "Yorkshire England" I said... French just laughed, I then stared and hissed at him saying ..."Dirty French!" ... and walked off the German guy was laughing at me though... Nice to back on a plane to my English Rose to see my family and have a nice cup of Yorkshire tea...

The picture is a Pizza place we found in Maintz fucking hilarious..

Hope to go back soon...