Nobless in Germany 2005

Germany - 2005

Well I was excited as it has been sometime since I had been back in DE,
The DBA on tour in Europe, first I needed to get the plans straighened out with the boss, and a partner in crime to enjoy the Euro Binge drinking tour, and we we not dissapointed!

So Julian a Senior Systems Engineer took up the challenge, as he is a Yorkshireman too there was to be no quarms about the drinking aspects, and it was soon agreed that we would try everything that Germany has to offer no matteer how strong or large, as we were on the Plane after sinking a couple of Gallon in the airport we discussed the mighty stein and the different beer research we had done prior on the web.

So we touched down and got a lift to the Hayatt hotel in Maintz, not bad this was a fucking palace compared to some of the shitholes I have stayed in, however being tight Northerners we soon found out this place loved to take your money….

After a quick shower and a shit we were off out, we had an invite from the HOFF! (Hoffmeister) One of the German Senior Developers… who said that he new a trendy upbeat place to quench our thirst… however he was in for a surprise.. what ensued was 4 hours of prescision german binge drinking, the main point I remember was that the waitress for our table refilled my stein when I got down to the last gob full, this was brilliant, however the HOFF did not touch a drop he just looked tired and wanted to go home….

Julian and I went back to the hotel about 3am somewhat dry we carried on the binge for another hour or so….

Next day we went into the office and just giggled and took the piss all day whilst nursing hangovers, but we were just getting settled.. the day soon came and went, we were then out on the lash again in Maintz 2am we were stinking again but this time there was a few communication issues, we had gotten the HANKA (business objects guru!) out too and he was with us in the thick of it and for an American I was impressed with his pint to piss ratio he had supped 2 before busting the seal!...(not bad for the US)

we were in a random bar and some skinny little german mongoloid decided to start belming and screeching like a girl right next to me… he was wasted but the cleansing began, this CNUT was going to get briefed! I explained to him that he sounded like a girl and he was making my ears bleed! Eventually I bought him a pint of Cider in an attempt to flaw the little Twunt. However to my shock he refused to drink it and gave it to his mate… I was calling him a Fanny and trying to explain the term in English but he started swearing and banging on about Wayne Rooney was shite etc… eventually Julian sensed that he was getting in way over his head and that he was moments away from getting chinned! -

I then left him as his mates appologised and dragged him out of the pub, as I stood a the door watching him pissing up a restraunt wall outside I could not help but say to him “You drink like a girl go home and let your mum wipe your willy etc…” he wandered off belming down the road!

What fun but back to the hotel, the HANKA then went to bed but we stayed up and got removed from a prive function as we were hammered, eventually when they would not serve us any more ale we went to bed!

Early in the morning I entered Julians room where he was ironing, TV was on I saw two lezzers giving it to each other whilst one was being serviced from behind by a guy in a Gimp mask… we just burst out laughing again but time to go to work!

Friday night came soon and we were invited out to go bowling with the German IT folk, as not being much of a Ten Pin Man I decided to get totally wasted instead and fimly believed that it would enhance my performance and indeed it did!

There were a few randoms that we did not know and a young girl who found us amusing that we were wasted hurling bowling balls about, Julian and I were seeing who could throw it the fastest, I think in the end Julian won, but believe me it was not for the want of trying.

Eventually I was wasted and wanted to go to a club but some of the German collegues were not wanting to play, eventually I got my way and danced the night away with a load of pissed up randoms I did not know, Julian decided to ply me with vodka redbulls which kept me going for a few hours..

This german girl from one of the Geman assocciate companies we own, tagged along and not only could I not understand her I ended up leaving her somewhere outside the hotel, as I was too tired pissed and bothered to continue the binge and everywhere was shut, my Sidneys were kicking the shit out of me and I wanted my bed!

Saturday Julian and I went shopping in Maintz and for a laugh decided to go to a Porn shop, this was well spacked out but we laughed like fuck all the way round, looking at all this porn crap, one bloke was discussing some fith DVD with the woman who worked there... she was saying it was good, we laughed for ages about this!

I had to leave rather sharpishly as I was about to be sick…filthy fucking shop!
Went and got some wine about 3 euros for some proper australian red…in LIDL’s however this place stank like someone had pissed on all the merchandice. (Fucking Stank)… we carried on drinking that day till tea time, ready for the session that evening, for Julian was flying back to England next day… pissed as a fart when I left him? after we went to a micro-brewery and supped about 17 gallon between us in a contraption that was like a 10 gal plastic pipe brought to the table with a tap on it, 2 of these man we were wankered! however still manged to wreck the mini-bar later int hotel!

Germany is truly a wonderful place and is changing all the time, just little things I missed about UK, as in the supermarket in Maintz instead of giving you your change in your hand they throw it on the counter, and a woman in C&A would not give me a free plaggy bag, miserable cow!

Went for the wost curry I have ever tasted ever, I started to get paraniod when he brought out onion rings instead of bajis he said they were the same thing? I did the Peter Kay thing and kept repeatedly saying “Onion Rings” about 700 times, the curry tasted like it had been dripped through a tramps sock man it was embarrassing! - I later discovered this was not a piss take they actually have no fucking clue how to make curry?

Fucking rank…..

In short life is slower paced there, we would have surely died of liver failure had we been there longer but we survived...

Funny thing happened in the airport on the way home, still sausage side this stoopid like French wanker pushed in the queue for passport control and he was carrying on at his wife.

After listening to this for some time I turned to him and said "you are indeed a silly small french Nob ain't you?" he then started going on one at me... getting to the Passport desk as he did at his end by this time still staring at the French Faggot, the German passport officer said to me "Where are you going sir?" Still looking at French, I slapped my passport on the counter and said loudly staring at French "GOD's COUNTRY!", "where is that he asked?" "Yorkshire England" I said... French just laughed, I then stared and hissed at him saying ..."Dirty French!" ... and walked off the German guy was laughing at me though... Nice to back on a plane to my English Rose to see my family and have a nice cup of Yorkshire tea...

The picture is a Pizza place we found in Maintz fucking hilarious..

Hope to go back soon...

Late night Tales - Army Days

Picture the scene, it is 1996 -

I am in the Yorkshire regiment deployed in Chester in the UK waiting to go to Ireland

Out on the beer in town with the lads from the regiment, we started off at the top of the road in the Queen's Head in town and worked our way around, it was an average night but we had already sunk a couple of gallons of beer, but the problem for me was that I had "not broken the seal", for those that do not know what this is I will explain:

In a nut shell this is where you hold about 5 pints and do not go to the toilet, however once you break the seal you just cannot stop going. So we are all having a laugh doing what boys do and making our way for some food, to this day I do not know why but unfortunately for me I had "broke the seal", and was bursting for a lash.

I was just about to piss myself when I legged it down an alley next to a chinese restraunt, I follwed the light down this alley towards the kitchen area, this was visible by a porthole swing door at the back. Quickly I braced myself next to the kitchen wall unzipped and let it all go!

Whilst I was emptying about 20 gallons of water from my bladder, I thought that I would have a look through the porthole to the kitchen whilst I was busy like, a lady caught a glimspe of me and in the blink of any eye began shouting some kind of broken english, something on the lines of "You Dirty Pig, you filthy man", I finished up and began swearing back at this woman, as you do like when yer have had a few.

wiggy from Bradford was at the top of the ally shouting "come on Rob we are getting a taxi!", as I jig zagged up the alley I heard a man shouting some broken english behind me, I stuck my two fingers in the air and shouted in a pissed up voice "Ah! Bollocks mate" I kind of knew he was from the kitchen. All I heard was "I is not your fucking mate!"

He came running up to me as I span round all I saw was this small chinese bloke with two gigantic soup ladels, these things we huge man!, he then proceeded to beat me shitless in a ninja type effort. On the body over my head and arms, the lads at the end of the alley were in fits of laughter, eventually when he got tired he walked off.

Never went there for any food after that, or went for a piss near his restraunt ever again. As I woke the next morning I had found out that I had come in drunk to the barracks, I has pissed allover my mates clothes in his wardrobe and the floor, then stripped all my clothes off and tried to get in his bed whilst he was in it and he has promptly bopped me one on the chin and threw me in a corner to sleep it off.

next morning with a stonking hangover! I soon realised the trail of distruction that had followed the night before, involving throwing a concrete foot scraper through a bomb proof glass door and raiding the cook house for summat to eat, (leaving a right mess). And I had to go and see the Company sergant major too.

He began shouting at me "Is that acceptable behaviour of a 25 year old?", "No sir!" I replied, he then said, "so do you see me going out getting plastered, booting my front door in and going up stairs to piss all over my wife", I replied "That's up to you sir!", this resulted in him chasing me around the camp and finally beating the shite out of me and jailing me again for my efforts.

As my hangover slowly began to fade, I had become obsessed with 11 big bumps on my head and bruises on my body to which I was proud to show the lads as everyone had heard about it. So really the moral of this story is never under estimate a chinese restraunt owner, ever! it still hurts just thinking about it....

Tree Friend of Alabama

Having started working at a large American born company near London it was not long before I was introduced to the American culture and the staff, things were quite anarchic for a while until two Texans from the Dallas office stepped up for the challenge of helping us out.

Big Jason and Jarrod came over first Jarrod stayed for a day or so Jason stayed for 6 weeks and by all accounts got bored sitting around his hotel room and not really understanding us brits let alone Northernism.

I welcomed them and gave them brew. They said they liked it, and I knew this was the start of something cool. Jarrod went home, but no doubt will remember the Brew for many years to come.

As Jason was here longer I invited him to come over to Salisbury to visit the family and see the cathedral also Stonehenge as we live about 5 miles away from it, all was going well, my lovely wife had a roast dinner on the go we had a great day, kids thought American’s were cool but then…

On leaving the Stonehenge tour we bumped into this complete dick from Alabama who had a sword tucked into his belt and thought he was a character from Lord Of the rings... what a TWAT but later Jason explained to me that he was another pseudo-intellectual, one of many no doubt.

He remarked that he had just come back from a 5 week convention of Lord of the Rings, was the DBA impressed, I think not! But some how he acquired airtime….I just thought that he was a total head case so did my son Louie (6) who at one point we were discussing who was going to hit him first..
I could not believe that this guy had a sword shoved down his belt in broad daylight I mean someone who introduces themselves as tree - friend what do you expect, he did not listen to a word we said and notice big J from Dallas giving him the bird there nice....

By now we had endured 20 mins or more of him talking top A grade shite, the Northernism kicked in, and cleansing began in true northern style I said to tree friend "right I've had enough of this come on louie lets go, you are fucking not right you are! ", walking off with louie in tow, "Yeah Yeah, have a nice life tree mong", we were all in agreement he was a real arsehole.

Jason was somewhat embarrassed that he had come all the way from Dallas and run into a random nutter called tree-friend from Alabama! however in the car a quick CD, track one of Green day (American idiot) finished the Stonehenge tour we indeed chuckled!

Now the irony! we then meet a level headed coherent bloke from Salisbury walking his dog who was asking me intelligent questions about by EOS canon camera at old sarum as he was to purchase one, you see total sanity!

Jason loved Salisbury especially the cathedral, wot a nice bloke. In short I hope that he keeps in touch, and we meet again soon on his turf there in Dallas – you know I want to go to that ranch they call south fork. Bap ah Bap ah Bap ah dad a dad a da etc…