Viva FAC 51 - THE HAÇIENDA

21-24th Feb 2006 - I get up at 4am to get to Heathrow for the early morning flight at 5:30am and check in fairly quickly with no problems. The week seemed to go quite quickly but there was alot to do and many people to speak to.

Having to catch the train from Amsterdam airport, it soon emerged that I was in full flow of rush hour. I get on the train and was just looking to melt into the background, alas this was not to be. So really tired and feeling lathargic I am leaning against a door inside the train, and at the next stop all these expresso fueled nutters decide to jump on. These two butch women get on and start ranting at me in a fast duch dialect.

So feeling tired I decide to wait till the silly cow finishes her rant. Then thinking of an answer I could not be arsed so I said, "I have not got a clue what you are on about!", butch looks me up and down then points to a sticker over the door, then starts ranting again. I just looked at her and in true northern style said, "Right!". some girl laughs in the corner, some breed, I guess who could speak English better than me?

Well eventually get to Den Haag station and a fifteen minute drive in an S-class Mercedes would get me to the hotel and checkin, I was bushed but I still had to bang out a full days work.

11th floor of a city hotel call the NH which was right next to our office block which was on the 25th floor, threw the bags down and went to get freshened up ready for work, banged an expresso down me and I was ready!

The office was open plan and high tech but you could sense this layed back vibe, all I could remember about the Netherlands was Amsterdam to which I had visited as a squaddie way back when I was a resident in Germany in 1994-95 (Fucking Wicked).

So I meet the people and do my thing meetings and analysis etc.. then tuesday we go out for a meal, spent a fucking fortune on a restraunt downtown mostly drinks to which later we would see one of the bosses moan as it went over 300 euros for three of us. Quite chuffed that I did not have to foot the bill as this jumped up little egotistical tosser from the Netherlands coughed up, at the end sat there wailing like a little girl.

Couple of boring days listening to more egotistical morons, wanking on about how good everything is, eventually loosing the will to live when this erratic bint decides she wants to be a time rapist for about four hours!

Next day we have a kickoff meeting - for the whole company which involved drinks over at our hotel as they had booked a function room - so it made sense to leave an open bar for a few hours in the lobby, this was good news and I wanted to take full advantage as you do like!

one problem was however was that not many people from the office wanted to party and after work I guess that many people wanted to just have a quick drink and go home. I grabbed a beer and sat down infront of the big plasma they had and comfy sofas, watching the football, there was a business man sat in the corner playing with his phone and he had a laptop bag.

I was all set to see what was on tv and asked this buisness man if he minded if I turned the football over, what followed was to be a night of drunkeness and extreme nostalgia, this guy was from up north Manchester side and we got chatting.

I even fucked one of our managers off as he was wanting to talk shop, so we started chatting about Ipods, music etc. My father in law had bought one of these ipods on ebay with about 20GB of tunes to which he thought that they were rubish and gave them to me. I mentioned to this lad who I now know as Nick Catterall, who lives and works in the London area that I had a full Hacienda collection of dance tracks - man this just kicked off, we had the laptop fired up and was listening to the old school tunes, remembering the scene and the era we chatted for hours about old school raves and the party scene. (man is a fucking legend!)

We discussed this fucked up world and religion, I guess as a christian I was pitching it a bit but I think that I was not too full on, basically it was like we were old shcool mates or summat, eventually we got the munchies, the food arrived but was really gay and both of us refused to pay for it. Nick and me then aquired a bottle of wine to drink on after the bar shut but about 30 mins later the laptop had run out of battery and we were too pissed and talking shite to drink the bottle of red we had got from the bar.

we had no corkscrew so this gorgeous blonde about 19 from the bar came up to open it for us I think she loved our cheeky northern charm, also that she wanted a chat as she was a bit shocked that we had returned the gopping food earlier and was killing time before her shift finished, we had a laugh then turned in for the evening about 2:30am

saying goodbye as Nick zigzagged down to the lifts, he said to me "send me the hacienda stuff mate, you have my card", and do you know what when I got back to the UK this was to be my first priority, Viva - La Hacienda - fucking wicked time and wot a nice bloke...

Funny thing is the Hacienda should be re-built man I or Nick or anyone else who was there knows that potentionally this was the best club on earth, still off your face on the beans there were others! Wigan pier, Legends in Warrington, and not forgetting the Quad - The warehouse Leeds, the clubbers and the DJ's will never be forgot, this is true fucking british history to which I will never regret being a part of!---madchester 2006 Rave On!

BMW 320d Sport - Wicked Man

So Flying down the M3 every day, I needed to look at a range of vehicles to get me to work on time, but not only this I wanted a vehicle that was fun to drive not too flashy, cheap on fuel and comforable, whilst employing many gadgets etc.

So I had a budget of about 15k and I had the old BMW that had failed its MOT as the springs and the exhaust was hanging off, (Another Quick Fit) Nightmare.

So I had a look through some websites and thought for a while about how many miles I would be doing etc.. a larger jump in salary meant that I could afford to look at the next price range on.

So going down the M3 every day cites a pecking order as I see it, and you get all kinds of cars, but its what that says about you as a person, for example a twunt driving a lotus or a MX5 to work you just know that’s got to be uncomfy, like wise a 4X4 range rover is just a pig that is shite for the M3 fuel & all.

The clio sport I have driven to work but with the rising fuel prices and, the weather I decided that this was not an option, as earlier in the year I had stuck a clio in a field in wiltshire (172 sport), a result of which I lost shit loads of cash on the insurance.

Because my wife likes the Clio Sport so much I decided to give her the car, as I think that she deserves it putting up with me.. also she likes the fact that it is fast enough to make a statement if needed …

So for some reason I started looking at deisels and in particular the Audi A6 and the BMW 5 series. After much thought I backed out of this idea because they are not good to sell at a later date.. Finally I settled on a BMW 320d sport and I have to say that I am impressed, it looks mean and also is 150BHP on a turbo diesel about 45 to the gallon, nice and so far I have not had any problems, this thing you just chuck diesel in and off you go, I guess at some point it will cost for maintanence.

Nevertheless, it has cruise control trip computer etc, and is fully loaded with M3 sports trim, this car is reliable and looks great. Good thing also is that I lied to the dealer and told them that I had already been offered more for my old BMW, to which they gave me an extra grand, honestly it pays to be cheeky, the fucking thing was shot and I went off with an extra grand in my pocket “giggling like a cunt horse”.

This car is so reliable that I do not need to think about it much, when I got it I wrangled two back tyres out of the dealer, you don’t ask you don’t get.

Well I have had this car over three months now and there have not been any issues apart from when I filled up with about £15 quids worth of Super Unleaded at waitrose in Salisbury to which I had to get the lot pumped out by a garage costing me £160:00 nice, still for my cash I got to see this little Chav borking on the fuel and it pissing out of his nose. he had just swallowed trying to see how much was in the tank. (TWUNT)

Nobless in Germany 2005

Germany - 2005

Well I was excited as it has been sometime since I had been back in DE,
The DBA on tour in Europe, first I needed to get the plans straighened out with the boss, and a partner in crime to enjoy the Euro Binge drinking tour, and we we not dissapointed!

So Julian a Senior Systems Engineer took up the challenge, as he is a Yorkshireman too there was to be no quarms about the drinking aspects, and it was soon agreed that we would try everything that Germany has to offer no matteer how strong or large, as we were on the Plane after sinking a couple of Gallon in the airport we discussed the mighty stein and the different beer research we had done prior on the web.

So we touched down and got a lift to the Hayatt hotel in Maintz, not bad this was a fucking palace compared to some of the shitholes I have stayed in, however being tight Northerners we soon found out this place loved to take your money….

After a quick shower and a shit we were off out, we had an invite from the HOFF! (Hoffmeister) One of the German Senior Developers… who said that he new a trendy upbeat place to quench our thirst… however he was in for a surprise.. what ensued was 4 hours of prescision german binge drinking, the main point I remember was that the waitress for our table refilled my stein when I got down to the last gob full, this was brilliant, however the HOFF did not touch a drop he just looked tired and wanted to go home….

Julian and I went back to the hotel about 3am somewhat dry we carried on the binge for another hour or so….

Next day we went into the office and just giggled and took the piss all day whilst nursing hangovers, but we were just getting settled.. the day soon came and went, we were then out on the lash again in Maintz 2am we were stinking again but this time there was a few communication issues, we had gotten the HANKA (business objects guru!) out too and he was with us in the thick of it and for an American I was impressed with his pint to piss ratio he had supped 2 before busting the seal!...(not bad for the US)

we were in a random bar and some skinny little german mongoloid decided to start belming and screeching like a girl right next to me… he was wasted but the cleansing began, this CNUT was going to get briefed! I explained to him that he sounded like a girl and he was making my ears bleed! Eventually I bought him a pint of Cider in an attempt to flaw the little Twunt. However to my shock he refused to drink it and gave it to his mate… I was calling him a Fanny and trying to explain the term in English but he started swearing and banging on about Wayne Rooney was shite etc… eventually Julian sensed that he was getting in way over his head and that he was moments away from getting chinned! -

I then left him as his mates appologised and dragged him out of the pub, as I stood a the door watching him pissing up a restraunt wall outside I could not help but say to him “You drink like a girl go home and let your mum wipe your willy etc…” he wandered off belming down the road!

What fun but back to the hotel, the HANKA then went to bed but we stayed up and got removed from a prive function as we were hammered, eventually when they would not serve us any more ale we went to bed!

Early in the morning I entered Julians room where he was ironing, TV was on I saw two lezzers giving it to each other whilst one was being serviced from behind by a guy in a Gimp mask… we just burst out laughing again but time to go to work!

Friday night came soon and we were invited out to go bowling with the German IT folk, as not being much of a Ten Pin Man I decided to get totally wasted instead and fimly believed that it would enhance my performance and indeed it did!

There were a few randoms that we did not know and a young girl who found us amusing that we were wasted hurling bowling balls about, Julian and I were seeing who could throw it the fastest, I think in the end Julian won, but believe me it was not for the want of trying.

Eventually I was wasted and wanted to go to a club but some of the German collegues were not wanting to play, eventually I got my way and danced the night away with a load of pissed up randoms I did not know, Julian decided to ply me with vodka redbulls which kept me going for a few hours..

This german girl from one of the Geman assocciate companies we own, tagged along and not only could I not understand her I ended up leaving her somewhere outside the hotel, as I was too tired pissed and bothered to continue the binge and everywhere was shut, my Sidneys were kicking the shit out of me and I wanted my bed!

Saturday Julian and I went shopping in Maintz and for a laugh decided to go to a Porn shop, this was well spacked out but we laughed like fuck all the way round, looking at all this porn crap, one bloke was discussing some fith DVD with the woman who worked there... she was saying it was good, we laughed for ages about this!

I had to leave rather sharpishly as I was about to be sick…filthy fucking shop!
Went and got some wine about 3 euros for some proper australian red…in LIDL’s however this place stank like someone had pissed on all the merchandice. (Fucking Stank)… we carried on drinking that day till tea time, ready for the session that evening, for Julian was flying back to England next day… pissed as a fart when I left him? after we went to a micro-brewery and supped about 17 gallon between us in a contraption that was like a 10 gal plastic pipe brought to the table with a tap on it, 2 of these man we were wankered! however still manged to wreck the mini-bar later int hotel!

Germany is truly a wonderful place and is changing all the time, just little things I missed about UK, as in the supermarket in Maintz instead of giving you your change in your hand they throw it on the counter, and a woman in C&A would not give me a free plaggy bag, miserable cow!

Went for the wost curry I have ever tasted ever, I started to get paraniod when he brought out onion rings instead of bajis he said they were the same thing? I did the Peter Kay thing and kept repeatedly saying “Onion Rings” about 700 times, the curry tasted like it had been dripped through a tramps sock man it was embarrassing! - I later discovered this was not a piss take they actually have no fucking clue how to make curry?

Fucking rank…..

In short life is slower paced there, we would have surely died of liver failure had we been there longer but we survived...

Funny thing happened in the airport on the way home, still sausage side this stoopid like French wanker pushed in the queue for passport control and he was carrying on at his wife.

After listening to this for some time I turned to him and said "you are indeed a silly small french Nob ain't you?" he then started going on one at me... getting to the Passport desk as he did at his end by this time still staring at the French Faggot, the German passport officer said to me "Where are you going sir?" Still looking at French, I slapped my passport on the counter and said loudly staring at French "GOD's COUNTRY!", "where is that he asked?" "Yorkshire England" I said... French just laughed, I then stared and hissed at him saying ..."Dirty French!" ... and walked off the German guy was laughing at me though... Nice to back on a plane to my English Rose to see my family and have a nice cup of Yorkshire tea...

The picture is a Pizza place we found in Maintz fucking hilarious..

Hope to go back soon...

Late night Tales - Army Days

Picture the scene, it is 1996 -

I am in the Yorkshire regiment deployed in Chester in the UK waiting to go to Ireland

Out on the beer in town with the lads from the regiment, we started off at the top of the road in the Queen's Head in town and worked our way around, it was an average night but we had already sunk a couple of gallons of beer, but the problem for me was that I had "not broken the seal", for those that do not know what this is I will explain:

In a nut shell this is where you hold about 5 pints and do not go to the toilet, however once you break the seal you just cannot stop going. So we are all having a laugh doing what boys do and making our way for some food, to this day I do not know why but unfortunately for me I had "broke the seal", and was bursting for a lash.

I was just about to piss myself when I legged it down an alley next to a chinese restraunt, I follwed the light down this alley towards the kitchen area, this was visible by a porthole swing door at the back. Quickly I braced myself next to the kitchen wall unzipped and let it all go!

Whilst I was emptying about 20 gallons of water from my bladder, I thought that I would have a look through the porthole to the kitchen whilst I was busy like, a lady caught a glimspe of me and in the blink of any eye began shouting some kind of broken english, something on the lines of "You Dirty Pig, you filthy man", I finished up and began swearing back at this woman, as you do like when yer have had a few.

wiggy from Bradford was at the top of the ally shouting "come on Rob we are getting a taxi!", as I jig zagged up the alley I heard a man shouting some broken english behind me, I stuck my two fingers in the air and shouted in a pissed up voice "Ah! Bollocks mate" I kind of knew he was from the kitchen. All I heard was "I is not your fucking mate!"

He came running up to me as I span round all I saw was this small chinese bloke with two gigantic soup ladels, these things we huge man!, he then proceeded to beat me shitless in a ninja type effort. On the body over my head and arms, the lads at the end of the alley were in fits of laughter, eventually when he got tired he walked off.

Never went there for any food after that, or went for a piss near his restraunt ever again. As I woke the next morning I had found out that I had come in drunk to the barracks, I has pissed allover my mates clothes in his wardrobe and the floor, then stripped all my clothes off and tried to get in his bed whilst he was in it and he has promptly bopped me one on the chin and threw me in a corner to sleep it off.

next morning with a stonking hangover! I soon realised the trail of distruction that had followed the night before, involving throwing a concrete foot scraper through a bomb proof glass door and raiding the cook house for summat to eat, (leaving a right mess). And I had to go and see the Company sergant major too.

He began shouting at me "Is that acceptable behaviour of a 25 year old?", "No sir!" I replied, he then said, "so do you see me going out getting plastered, booting my front door in and going up stairs to piss all over my wife", I replied "That's up to you sir!", this resulted in him chasing me around the camp and finally beating the shite out of me and jailing me again for my efforts.

As my hangover slowly began to fade, I had become obsessed with 11 big bumps on my head and bruises on my body to which I was proud to show the lads as everyone had heard about it. So really the moral of this story is never under estimate a chinese restraunt owner, ever! it still hurts just thinking about it....

Tree Friend of Alabama

Having started working at a large American born company near London it was not long before I was introduced to the American culture and the staff, things were quite anarchic for a while until two Texans from the Dallas office stepped up for the challenge of helping us out.

Big Jason and Jarrod came over first Jarrod stayed for a day or so Jason stayed for 6 weeks and by all accounts got bored sitting around his hotel room and not really understanding us brits let alone Northernism.

I welcomed them and gave them brew. They said they liked it, and I knew this was the start of something cool. Jarrod went home, but no doubt will remember the Brew for many years to come.

As Jason was here longer I invited him to come over to Salisbury to visit the family and see the cathedral also Stonehenge as we live about 5 miles away from it, all was going well, my lovely wife had a roast dinner on the go we had a great day, kids thought American’s were cool but then…

On leaving the Stonehenge tour we bumped into this complete dick from Alabama who had a sword tucked into his belt and thought he was a character from Lord Of the rings... what a TWAT but later Jason explained to me that he was another pseudo-intellectual, one of many no doubt.

He remarked that he had just come back from a 5 week convention of Lord of the Rings, was the DBA impressed, I think not! But some how he acquired airtime….I just thought that he was a total head case so did my son Louie (6) who at one point we were discussing who was going to hit him first..
I could not believe that this guy had a sword shoved down his belt in broad daylight I mean someone who introduces themselves as tree - friend what do you expect, he did not listen to a word we said and notice big J from Dallas giving him the bird there nice....

By now we had endured 20 mins or more of him talking top A grade shite, the Northernism kicked in, and cleansing began in true northern style I said to tree friend "right I've had enough of this come on louie lets go, you are fucking not right you are! ", walking off with louie in tow, "Yeah Yeah, have a nice life tree mong", we were all in agreement he was a real arsehole.

Jason was somewhat embarrassed that he had come all the way from Dallas and run into a random nutter called tree-friend from Alabama! however in the car a quick CD, track one of Green day (American idiot) finished the Stonehenge tour we indeed chuckled!

Now the irony! we then meet a level headed coherent bloke from Salisbury walking his dog who was asking me intelligent questions about by EOS canon camera at old sarum as he was to purchase one, you see total sanity!

Jason loved Salisbury especially the cathedral, wot a nice bloke. In short I hope that he keeps in touch, and we meet again soon on his turf there in Dallas – you know I want to go to that ranch they call south fork. Bap ah Bap ah Bap ah dad a dad a da etc…

A bit of - how it started!

Well there is not much to tell really, I moved here to get away from the world, it is true that being a Northerner in the south of england is not much fun, they drink crappy french beers and they are all skinny, they have never heard of rugby league and they think that Tim Henmen is a school teacher, well in short he probably would do a better job.

to cut along story short I joined the army and became a rifle nut back in the early 90's trying to be a sniper by trade but left in 1997 on the run from the military. I went to Europe with 18 quid, grew a beard and became a beach bum, worked as a DJ in Athens Spain and got swept up with the sicilian mafia in Italy and worked my way round the greek islands eventually seeking asylum in the south of England after doing 115 days in Colchester for going AWOL, those twunts.

Got married in 1998...had a couple of hippy kids then got a shave, went to UNI in Southampton started out at the NHS, and witnessing a lazy twunt of a DBA scott get paid shit loads of cash for doing sweet FA so I decided to follow his lead and train as a 'DBA’...stuck up a middle finger to the world (honestly that's how it happened!).

All I can say on the subject of working with databases is it is great and like looking after a big Tamagochi or summat. A DBA's life is really fun and you get maximum respect man. and of course there is allways loads of work to do, and fresh challenges. I tried the developer life it really sucks the sweat off a dead mans balls in my opinion!

To get around the south I drive a clio sport 2.0L which is 172bhp and does 0-60 in about 6.8 seconds topping a speed of 139mph I can get to work both in style and comfort with speed. The stories I could tell about this little box of dynamite would leave the reader indeed "shaking like the hind legs of a shitting dog!" either in fright or laughter - this now belongs to the wife!