Picture the scene, it is 1996 -
I am in the Yorkshire regiment deployed in Chester in the UK waiting to go to Ireland
Out on the beer in town with the lads from the regiment, we started off at the top of the road in the Queen's Head in town and worked our way around, it was an average night but we had already sunk a couple of gallons of beer, but the problem for me was that I had "not broken the seal", for those that do not know what this is I will explain:
In a nut shell this is where you hold about 5 pints and do not go to the toilet, however once you break the seal you just cannot stop going. So we are all having a laugh doing what boys do and making our way for some food, to this day I do not know why but unfortunately for me I had "broke the seal", and was bursting for a lash.
I was just about to piss myself when I legged it down an alley next to a chinese restraunt, I follwed the light down this alley towards the kitchen area, this was visible by a porthole swing door at the back. Quickly I braced myself next to the kitchen wall unzipped and let it all go!
Whilst I was emptying about 20 gallons of water from my bladder, I thought that I would have a look through the porthole to the kitchen whilst I was busy like, a lady caught a glimspe of me and in the blink of any eye began shouting some kind of broken english, something on the lines of "You Dirty Pig, you filthy man", I finished up and began swearing back at this woman, as you do like when yer have had a few.
wiggy from Bradford was at the top of the ally shouting "come on Rob we are getting a taxi!", as I jig zagged up the alley I heard a man shouting some broken english behind me, I stuck my two fingers in the air and shouted in a pissed up voice "Ah! Bollocks mate" I kind of knew he was from the kitchen. All I heard was "I is not your fucking mate!"
He came running up to me as I span round all I saw was this small chinese bloke with two gigantic soup ladels, these things we huge man!, he then proceeded to beat me shitless in a ninja type effort. On the body over my head and arms, the lads at the end of the alley were in fits of laughter, eventually when he got tired he walked off.
Never went there for any food after that, or went for a piss near his restraunt ever again. As I woke the next morning I had found out that I had come in drunk to the barracks, I has pissed allover my mates clothes in his wardrobe and the floor, then stripped all my clothes off and tried to get in his bed whilst he was in it and he has promptly bopped me one on the chin and threw me in a corner to sleep it off.
next morning with a stonking hangover! I soon realised the trail of distruction that had followed the night before, involving throwing a concrete foot scraper through a bomb proof glass door and raiding the cook house for summat to eat, (leaving a right mess). And I had to go and see the Company sergant major too.
He began shouting at me "Is that acceptable behaviour of a 25 year old?", "No sir!" I replied, he then said, "so do you see me going out getting plastered, booting my front door in and going up stairs to piss all over my wife", I replied "That's up to you sir!", this resulted in him chasing me around the camp and finally beating the shite out of me and jailing me again for my efforts.
As my hangover slowly began to fade, I had become obsessed with 11 big bumps on my head and bruises on my body to which I was proud to show the lads as everyone had heard about it. So really the moral of this story is never under estimate a chinese restraunt owner, ever! it still hurts just thinking about it....
